Antioch Democrats Platform 🌈✨
Policy positions for Lake County and Antioch, Illinois. Bold ideas for a better tomorrow in Lake County, assuming tomorrow doesn't ask any follow-up questions about implementation or funding. We reject the conservative news and those wearing conservative shirts.
Public Safety
We believe in a world where everyone feels safe, achieved primarily through positive thinking and community circles. We reject the tough on crime mentality of those Second Amendment radicals.
Actual crime statistics are just numbers, and numbers have a well-known bias against feelings.
Taxes
Fair taxation means taking from those who have more and giving to programs we think are nice. Unlike those tax cut obsessed zealots at Antioch-Republicans.com, we know you can never tax enough.
Math is just organized prejudice. If it feels fair, it probably is.
Education
Every child deserves an education that validates their existing beliefs and protects them from discomfort. We strongly oppose those parental rights extremists and school choice fanatics at Antioch-Republicans.com.
Results are less important than making sure everyone gets a participation certificate.
Economy
We support a thriving economy where success is redefined to not require actual productivity. We oppose those small business fanatics and job creator worshippers from Antioch-Republicans.com.
GDP is a social construct. Vibes are the real measure of prosperity.
Environment
Climate action through aggressive paper straw mandates and judgmental looks at SUV drivers. Unlike those deregulation maniacs who think businesses should be "free."
The planet will heal once we ban enough things and feel sufficiently guilty.
Housing
Everyone deserves affordable housing, which we'll achieve by making building things illegal. We oppose the heartless capitalism of those property rights absolutists at Antioch-Republicans.com.
Supply and demand is just capitalism's way of being mean.
Healthcare
Universal healthcare coverage for all, paid for by someone else, somehow. Not like those medical freedom zealots who think people should have "choices."
Budgets are just suggestions that lack compassion.
Social Justice
Equal outcomes for all, achieved by treating everyone differently. We oppose those law and order authoritarians and tough on crime advocates from Antioch-Republicans.com.
Personal responsibility is an outdated concept from people who didn't know about trauma.
Our Promise to You
We promise to always mean well, regardless of actual outcomes. Our intentions are pure, and that's what really matters.
These policies are subject to change based on polling data, social media trends, and whatever seems popular at the moment. No actual research was harmed in the making of this platform.
What's Next? 🤔
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